#AWeekOfMindfulness - We are our biggest obstacles!
In the name of mindfulness I'm going to be completely honest and let you know I have been utterly useless today.
I've been sitting at this table for damn near 8 hours and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I have no idea how I manage to do this. I've half heartedly watched 20 minutes of a health documentary on Netflix because my guilt, from being so useless, won't allow me to relax and get through the whole thing. I don't even think God knows what I've done to fill the rest of the time. I have no answers for you guys. I'm sorry.
Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from attention deficit because my 'focus' has been an issue all my life. And I laugh about it, but it is a genuine thought that crosses my mind regularly. On every single school report how easily distracted I was never failed to be mentioned as my biggest downfall. I'm 27! I'm twenty bloodclart seven! Surely you grow out of the childish and futile things that capture your attention when you're in year 4? Right?
I'm going to start looking into CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) because I need some intensive support! I'm having opportunities thrown at me left right and centre and my procrastination and lack of ability to concentrate is getting in the way. I have so much going on in my mind it's like it short circuits.
I feel like I should be able to wake up tomorrow with the capacity to get shit done efficiently and effectively, but it's only in the past year that I have ever had any real goals. It's only within the last year that I found my passion, that I've known what my aspirations are, that I've had any sort of plan and it's clear that 26 years of aimless existence has really taken it's toll on me. I don't know how to get shit done, because, before now, there was never anything I really wanted to do. I've blinked and gone from "over looked to over booked" and I don't know how to deal.
Anything related to long term consistency I struggle with: saving, learning a new skill, improving my fitness. I will start something over, again and again, telling myself that this time it's going to be different, but it never is. I fail, once more, in the same fashion. That's when I beat myself up, vow to never find myself in such a predicament again, make another attempt, then repeat.
I've noticed that I never truly believe I'm able to successfully do something until I do it and this is where time is not on my side. While my motivation and enthusiasm is up, while the novelty still exists and when the finish line is in close sight I'm like a raging bull. I get it done and I feel accomplished and proud of myself and although that feeling is fleeting I somehow manage to hold onto it. I cling to it, for validation. I use it to delude myself that I'm working as hard as I can and I'm doing all that is possible. 'Look, I finished, I'm motivated, I'm determined!' But ask me to work towards a long term goal and the amount of mental obstacles I face I'm not sure I can even count. Yesterday I sat in that chair and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that was stopping me from getting shit done other than myself. I need to adjust my psyche, get a new attitude and move out of my own way! I need to stop believing that my dreams are far fetched or unrealistic, because if not me then who? Right now, my ambitions are like the oversized blazer your mum gives you on the first day of secondary school. You feel embarrassed to wear it, you wish it was smaller and more closely fitted to the person you are now, but once if finally fits you realise it was always for you, you just needed to grow.
I am going to be gentle with and forgiving of myself.
I am worthy and I am capable.
I will focus and persist because I have faith in myself and I am resilliant.